189. I am that I am

The word God has become such a closed concept for many people, the moment the word is uttered a mental image is created perhaps no longer of a man with a white beard but still a mental representation of someone or something outside of you, and yes almost inevitably a male someone or something. But neither God or any other word can define or explain the ineffable reality behind the word. This is the case with many words therefore we need to go beyond words which is to say beyond mind.

Mind is a superb instrument if used rightly but when it uses you it becomes very destructive, yes, you usually do not use it but it uses you, you believe you are your mind.  This is the delusion, the instrument has taken over. When you would go to a doctor and tell him , I hear voices in my head,  then he will probably sent you to a psychiatrist, but the fact is that in a very similar way just about everyone hears voices or several in their head all the time, the involuntary thought processes that you don’t realise you have the power over to stop. A continues dialogue or monologue. You probably came across people who talk aloud incessantly or mutter to themselves and you might even label them mad, but it is not much different from what you and all other so called normal people do, except you do not do it aloud.

The voice makes comments, speculates, judges, compares, complains, likes, dislikes and so on, and it is not even relevant to the situation at that very moment, it might be reviving a recent or distant past or rehearsing or imagining a possible future situation. At times imagining possible things going wrong and considering negative outcomes which you call worries, sometimes accompanied with visual images.
Even if the voice thought is relevant to the situation at hand it will interpret it in terms of the past. This is because this voice belongs to your conditioned mind which is the collected result of all your past history as well as your collective cultural mind set you inherited through education and upbringing.

So you see and judge the present through the eyes of the past and get a totally distorted view of it. It is not uncommon for this voice to be your worst enemy and many live with an ill adviser in their head that continuously attacks and punishes them and deplete them of vital energy and is the cause of so much misery and unhappiness as well as disease.

But you can free yourself of it. Pay attention to the often repetitive thought patterns which like old records have been playing in your head for years, “watch the thinker”, be there as the witnessing presence. When you do, do it impartially, I mean do not judge or condemn what you hear because when you do then this voice has again leadership over you, is in control.

Realise there is a voice and here I am listening to it, watching it as an outsider this is an ‘I am’ realisation. This sense of your own presence is not a thought, it arises from beyond the mind. So when you listen to a thought, you are aware not only of a thought but also of yourself as a witness of thought.

The mind is a great tool, but the tool has taken you over, much like an uncontrollable movement of a hand, like an involuntary movement. All is light and memory which is starved seeks of itself in the outside world, it triggers by recognition thought patterns to which you cling and identify with. This is what Plato’s cave with its reflections/shadows on the cave wall represent.
The mind as said is a tool and when the task is done you put it down.
Right now it is an addiction, you are identified with it, you derive your sense of self from the content and activity of your mind. This phantom self I call Ego, it is always concerned with keeping the past alive and constantly projects itself unto the future to ensure its continued survival and seeks some kind of release or fulfilment where it says ; One day when this or that or the other happens, then I am going to be fine, at peace, happy. And even when the ego seems to be concerned with the present it is not the present that it sees, it misinterprets it completely because it looks at it through the eyes of the past, or it reduces the present to a means to an end, an end that always lies in the mind projected future.

And those of you who have been reading the other articles and looked at some past moments as suggested will have noticed how it blinded you, but are still mistaken that the more cleaned up thought patterns are the way to truth. Behind each thought, behind each idea lies another, another concept build on a past, yes, each moment. While they had their purpose as you will come to see further down the article, it is now time to let the timeless light, the eternal present shine over all.

Thought cannot exist without consciousness, but consciousness does not need thought.


Emotions arise at a place where mind and body meet, it is the body’s reaction to the mind.

Science has shown that emotions also are able to cause changes in the biochemistry of the body, but this connection lies underneath the conscious for most, also sometimes called the subconscious. The more you are identifying with your thinking, your likes and dislikes, judgements and interpretations, the less you are as the watcher consciousness, and the less you are aware of these feelings they will eventually become physical expressions such as disease. And those who have for instance bottled up anger inside are more likely to be attacked verbally or even physically by other angry people for often no apparent reason.

Ponder on this for a while, also consider that it is this outer field sometimes called aura that contains these emotions to which others are attracted or rejected by.

If by watching your thought patterns you become the watcher of the emotions, then as the outsider you will be able to see their source and dissolve them. But how many say, I cannot, I am angry, sad, etc. You identify yourself with them just as you do with your thought patterns. Mind has become the monster that causes wars and creates systems such as those that push up prices so you became the slave of that system called economy. You have heard about the butter mountains, milk that is being dumped or apples that are not of the right size or colour so they can regulate the price and are not allowed to give them to those in need such as in Africa because it would make their system collapse, so they let them starve while there is enough for everyone.

Back to feeling. Feeling will give you a more relative truth. Look or rather feel it in your body if there is a conflict between mind and body, then the emotion will be the more truthful one, not the ultimate truth of who you are but the relative truth of your state of mind at the time. Conflict between surface thoughts and unconscious mental processes are very common. You may not be able yet to bring those unconscious mind activities into awareness as thoughts but it will always be reflecting in the body as an emotion. Become the watcher both in feeling and of thought, become aware of being able to watch them, this will show you that you and the thoughts and feelings are separate .

Practise this and all that is unconscious in you will be brought to the light of conscious. You can then watch the emotion but not be it any more. Don’t analyse it, just watch it. If there is no emotion then take your attention more deeply into the inner energy. An emotion usually represents an amplified and energized thought pattern and because of its often overpowering energetic charge it will not be easy to stay present enough to be able to watch it and carry you with it. It wants to take you over and usually it succeeds, unless there is enough presence in you. Otherwise you become the emotion. This vicious circle builds up between your thinking and the emotion, feeding each other. The thought pattern creates a magnified reflection of itself in the form of an emotion and the vibrational frequency of the emotion keeps feeding the original thought pattern, a vicious circle.

All emotions are basically modifications of one primordial undifferentiated emotion that has its origin in the loss of awareness of who you are beyond name and form, fear and abandonment and incompleteness. The mind sees it as its task to continuously fight or remove this emotional pain and that is one of the very reasons why it is so active. But it cannot achieve this so it continuously tries to cover it up.
The harder it fights the stronger the pain, the mind can never find a solution nor can it allow you to find a solution because it is itself an intrinsic part of the problem. We have a saying, the pot blaming the kettle, not until you cease to derive your sense of self from identification with the mind (ego) kick out this false king from his throne.
Emotion means disturbance .
The pain body want to survive, just like any other entity in existence, and it can only do so when you are unconsciously identifying yourself with it so it can rise up, take you over, become you through you. It needs to get its food through you and will feed on any experience that resonates with its own kind of energy. Pain cannot feed on joy or happiness. You will claim that you do not want this but look closely at your thought patterns, your thinking and behaviour and you will find them designed to keep pain going. It is actually afraid of the light of your consciousness, afraid to be found out. But if you don’t bring it to the light of your consciousness, if you don’t face it, then you will be forced to relive it again and again.
Everything is shown up by being exposed to the light and whatever is exposed to the light will become light. Do not fight it, watch it, this is what Alchemy really is, turning lead to gold, and the secret of life, to die before you die or relive all fear. Jesus puts it like this: you become as a branch cut off from the vine.

Ego will attach itself to anything to keep, uphold and strengthen itself, yes it would even take this knowledge and use it for its own goal and, it is the very reason it was hidden from him. Just remember the problems of the mind cannot be solved on the level of the mind.


Future is a pale reflection of the light which is borrowed from the present. And memory is light encapsulated.

There are some who experience the power of the present but are not aware, they are those who you might call thrill seekers, such as skydivers and mountain climbers, those who love to engage in dangerous activities. It forces them in the present, that intense alive state that is free of time, free of problems, free of thinking and free of the burden of personality. But because of not being conscious, a single slip causes death. You do not need this to feel the life of the present.

Nobody who puts his hands on the plough and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God Jesus said. Consider here also the story of Sodom and Gomorra where they were told not to look back or they would turn into a pillar of salt, or the song about the flowers that are not ominous about tomorrow but live with ease in the timeless present and are provided for by God. It is also the essence of Zen and the Sufi have a saying: the Sufi is the son of time present.

It is vital to your survival to awaken. This all important step to bring consciousness into your life, to learn to be a witness of your thoughts and emotions. You will be surprised how rarely you are truly at ease with yourself and if you can’t even be present in ordinary moments then how do you expect to be conscious when things happen or are faced with difficult situations? You will discover the resistance in the form of tension, boredom, nervousness etc., just like an undercurrent.
You will come to see that once you know how to dissolve this ordinary unconsciousness with the light of your presence, everything will start to shine more brightly and it will become much easier to deal with ego’s gravitational pull. Make it a habit to ask yourself, am I at ease at this moment? What is going on inside me? Just do not answer directly, direct your attention, have a look at the thoughts and feelings.

Maybe you have been taken advantage of, maybe someone close to you is dishonest, irritating or jealous, but all this is irrelevant whether your thoughts and emotions about this situation are justified or not makes no difference. The fact is, you are resisting and it is making the present moment your enemy. You are creating unhappiness, conflict between inner and outer, your unhappiness is polluting not only your own inner being and that of those around you, but also the collective human psyche of which you are an inseparable part.

The pollution of this world is just an outward reflection of the inner world and as said, the wars and suffering I have talked about, and it is not going to be solved other than starting with you, your inner space, of what your world and the world in general is a reflection of.

I have given you insights into the workings of the universe, of this giant clock, not to satisfy your ego so it can manipulate his world for its own goals but just enough for you to read all this with a more open mind and see mind for what it is, “a tool to be used, not used by”, so you will be able to let go.
Yes, I have also told you to look at those moments in your past so to see how they blinded you. I asked you to do this only with those moments you remember were wrong and knew better so you may recognize it works this way.
I have explained for yourselves as there is great transformational power in experience, but now it is time to let your conscious present dissolve it. Knowing all of it was and is discoloured and at most only a relevant truth on the level of ego(mind), and pure consciousness will purify all.

Perhaps you understand now what fighting the devil is all about, and fighting him is done with the light of forgiveness, with love, so that he may return to the father. In this light the parable of Jesus about the 5 careless women who did not have enough oil to burn their lamps (the 5 senses awareness) and so miss the bridegroom (present) and did not go to the wedding feast (enlightenment) in contrast to the 5 wise women who had enough oil.

And another parable about waiting that is not about the restless or bored kind of waiting that is a denial of the present, not a waiting that has its focus on some future moment whereby the present is seen as undesirable obstacle that prevents you from having what you want, but a waiting that requires a total alertness, all your awareness in the present moment, nothing left for thought, day dreaming, anticipation.
Alert presence, be like a servant waiting forth return of the master.

Conscious takes on many forms, the earth, yes even stones, plants animals and humans, all is consciousness at some level, otherwise it could not be. But in this complexity it has lost itself and has identified itself with form, its disguise, and only knows itself as form and therefore lives in fear of annihilation of its physical or psychological form.
This is the egoistic mind and where dysfunction sets in, finally the pressures of suffering created by this apparent dysfunction forces consciousness to dis-identify from form and awaken from its dream of form and regains self-consciousness, but on a much higher level than before it lost it.
This process is explained by the parable of the lost son who leaves his father’s house and squanders his wealth, and becomes destitute, then forced by his suffering to return home. When he does, his father loves him more than before. It is a story of unconscious perfection through apparent imperfection and of evil to conscious perfection.

Christ is your God essence or the self, the indwelling divinity, I am that I am.



Moshiya van den Broek